Bringing attention to myself and my thinking, especially in my relationships, was unnerving. It was like a journey into the unknown, something like landing in a place that is yet to be seen and discovered. Initially there was fear, fear of my own mental processes. Fear of what I might come across and discover about myself?
As I began to slowly explore and observe myself, I saw that the problem I was experiencing in my relationship was sourced in something much deeper, it stemmed from something I had not come upon thus far. Until now, I have been the typical, rational minded ‘problem-solver’. If there was a problem it had to have a solution. And I was always fixing people, situations and myself – expecting that would solve my problems. My life’s mantra had been – ‘change, contain or make different.’
It was like having an ailment and trying to cure it without really having an understanding of the source from which the problem arose. It was a superficial way of perceiving. I believed that the problem in my relationship was simply isolated to that particular area of my life and to that individual and that it had to somehow be healed.
Today is the third day of the Course, and I have begun to see how much this one problem was tied to so many other areas of my life. That the pain of the problem that I am experiencing has seeped into so many other areas of my life. I am seeing how much this suffering has impacted me as an individual. How it has caused me to function in a particular way.
And as I find the courage to look deeper within myself, I see that my problem is something much larger. It stems from within me. I see I have been living my life as though there were no meaning or purpose to it.
What is the vision for my state of being? How do I want to live my life? What is the vision for my relationships? Is love important? What is it to love? What is it to connect? As I journey within myself, I come upon questions I have never asked before.
It is day 3 … and six more days to go before the course ends … I await to see where this journey will take me …
I am no more as nervous as I was when I began the journey. There is now a thirst – the need to explore this new landscape – to see for myself all that it holds. All that is there, waiting to be discovered and experienced.
… A Seeker from a Spiritual Journey